WebMD. Birthing one hypochondriac at a time.

For as long as I can remember, I've always randomly gotten really bad sore throats.  Neck sensitivity is a Taurus thing.  Like stubbornness, and being loyal, and being all around awesome.  Seriously, look it up.  One of my earliest memories is of me crying my eyes out in pain further inflaming my throat and my father yelling at my mother because, WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?  STOP THE CRYING!  ...Ah, childhood.

Sore throats, for me, also mean a cold is a'coming.  But if I OD on Vitamin C I can usually skip the worst of it. 

So when I got an epically bad sore throat last week it was less omg I'm dying! and more fuck this fucking shit again?  At some point it just became like cramps.  You know they're coming so strap in and man the fuck up.  I did, however, inform the boyfriend because sore throats are kinda contagious and he might actually care about his well being.  So it's beyond me how he was shocked when he started getting sick yesterday. 

Me: You're depressing me.  What's wrong?
Him: My throat is killing me.
Me: Oh you must have got it from me.  Mine just stopped hurting.
Me: Yeah, I totally warned you about it.
Him.  Oh.  I forgot.

And so, as is customary when a guy gets sick, the world started coming to end.  All of a sudden his neck was stiff, his stomach hurt, he no longer had a reason for living, etc.  While I was musing on how this was about to be the longest, most intense case of the common cold in history, he sent me this gem of a BBM.  (That's a Blackberry Messenger message those who are not "with it".)

"I just found out I have STREP"


And he wrote it just like that, y'all.  "Strep" in all caps like he just dropped a crazy bomb on me.  My thought process?  Who THE FUCK gave you strep throat?  'Cause it wasn't from me.  I've had strep before and this is not it.  Word.

I find out that his friends convinced him that he had strep so I went to the internets to prove him otherwise.  First stop, WebMD. 

Big fucking mistake.

I should have known.  Everyone says WebMD is full of shit only hypochondriacs want to hear.  I even just read a hilarious post about it here.  But I was all, I'm smart there's no way I can get hysterical over a silly website.  Oh yes, sweet baby Jesus, there is SO a way.

So I'm plugging in the first symptom "sore throat" and guess what the first result was?  Throat cancer.  Way to be fucking morbid WebMD. I mean wth!  After my minor freak out I kept plugging in the symptoms and sure enough the common cold finally came up as the first result.  So I was all, UH, WHAT, FUCK YEAH!  RIGHT AGAIN.  Like I just won a mini-game in Mario Party 7.  I'm a real trip sometimes.

Out of curiosity I scrolled down and looked up the other results.  And yeah, so what, strep throat was one of them.  But also it had some crazy shit that I've never heard of that, oh hi, results in death.  Death!  I can't WebMD, I can't do this with you.  Freaking out here.  WebMD JUST KILLED MY BOYFRIEND. 

It's such a shame.  He was kinda cute, too...

Moral of the story?  If you feel sick, go see someone with a degree.  They'll prob just give you a band-aid and prescription for generic penicillin but at least you won't give yourself a heart attack.

Also?  HI BOYFRIEND.  143!  Seriously, 143!

No longer freaking out,


*Imagine this being said in the same tone as someone would say, idk, YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH MY BROTHER?!  Mad accusatory, yo.

4 Response to "WebMD. Birthing one hypochondriac at a time."

  1. This gave me a good laugh!

    I've done that mistake and started panicking and thought..wait..shit..I have a doctor! A very good one at that.

    I spend too much time at work I think.

    Oh and Strep is a bitch and there's no mistaking Strep when you have it. Generally it's associated with a fever and has a quick fucking painful onset. Once A doctor in the emerg brought another doctor in to look at my throat then proceeded to tell me I got the award for the worst looking throat that day.

    Douche. I wanted to die.

    roni says:


    Men are BITCHES when they are sick. the world must stop until they are better.

    I admit, webMD told me I had skin cancer, colon cancer, bloody bowels, and a whole host of other shit I never had.

    You remember that throat disease someone had at st. johns? gross. If he HAD strep he would've been in the ER. real talk.

    until he gets some amoxicillin, anti biotics or seeks real substantive professional help, stay far, far away from that man!

    fuck web MD! Ruins peoples lives for gods sake.

    tee says:

    @Ckrets: Right? Strep isn't something you just think you have. Silly men.

    @roni: Bloody bowels though? ::dead:: What symptoms were you putting in?? ...Throat disease? Nahhhh I don't remember dat!

    @Condescending: My sentiments exactly.

Post a Comment

powered by Blogger | WordPress by Newwpthemes | Converted by BloggerTheme