WebMD. Birthing one hypochondriac at a time.

For as long as I can remember, I've always randomly gotten really bad sore throats.  Neck sensitivity is a Taurus thing.  Like stubbornness, and being loyal, and being all around awesome.  Seriously, look it up.  One of my earliest memories is of me crying my eyes out in pain further inflaming my throat and my father yelling at my mother because, WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?  STOP THE CRYING!  ...Ah, childhood.

Sore throats, for me, also mean a cold is a'coming.  But if I OD on Vitamin C I can usually skip the worst of it. 

So when I got an epically bad sore throat last week it was less omg I'm dying! and more fuck this fucking shit again?  At some point it just became like cramps.  You know they're coming so strap in and man the fuck up.  I did, however, inform the boyfriend because sore throats are kinda contagious and he might actually care about his well being.  So it's beyond me how he was shocked when he started getting sick yesterday. 

Me: You're depressing me.  What's wrong?
Him: My throat is killing me.
Me: Oh you must have got it from me.  Mine just stopped hurting.
Me: Yeah, I totally warned you about it.
Him.  Oh.  I forgot.

And so, as is customary when a guy gets sick, the world started coming to end.  All of a sudden his neck was stiff, his stomach hurt, he no longer had a reason for living, etc.  While I was musing on how this was about to be the longest, most intense case of the common cold in history, he sent me this gem of a BBM.  (That's a Blackberry Messenger message those who are not "with it".)

"I just found out I have STREP"


And he wrote it just like that, y'all.  "Strep" in all caps like he just dropped a crazy bomb on me.  My thought process?  Who THE FUCK gave you strep throat?  'Cause it wasn't from me.  I've had strep before and this is not it.  Word.

I find out that his friends convinced him that he had strep so I went to the internets to prove him otherwise.  First stop, WebMD. 

Big fucking mistake.

I should have known.  Everyone says WebMD is full of shit only hypochondriacs want to hear.  I even just read a hilarious post about it here.  But I was all, I'm smart there's no way I can get hysterical over a silly website.  Oh yes, sweet baby Jesus, there is SO a way.

So I'm plugging in the first symptom "sore throat" and guess what the first result was?  Throat cancer.  Way to be fucking morbid WebMD. I mean wth!  After my minor freak out I kept plugging in the symptoms and sure enough the common cold finally came up as the first result.  So I was all, UH, WHAT, FUCK YEAH!  RIGHT AGAIN.  Like I just won a mini-game in Mario Party 7.  I'm a real trip sometimes.

Out of curiosity I scrolled down and looked up the other results.  And yeah, so what, strep throat was one of them.  But also it had some crazy shit that I've never heard of that, oh hi, results in death.  Death!  I can't WebMD, I can't do this with you.  Freaking out here.  WebMD JUST KILLED MY BOYFRIEND. 

It's such a shame.  He was kinda cute, too...

Moral of the story?  If you feel sick, go see someone with a degree.  They'll prob just give you a band-aid and prescription for generic penicillin but at least you won't give yourself a heart attack.

Also?  HI BOYFRIEND.  143!  Seriously, 143!

No longer freaking out,


*Imagine this being said in the same tone as someone would say, idk, YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH MY BROTHER?!  Mad accusatory, yo.

Casualties, the N-double A-CP, and SHOES!

I've noticed that random ass titles like that get the most views and comments.  Ya'll got some serious ADD.

Yesterday I almost got hit by a car.  Seriously.  The front bumper of a souped up Acura and my legs got real close.  Super tight.  Like we went back to the 1st grade or something.  I was crossing my street (because, hello, accidents only happen super close to your house.   This is the universe's way of embarrassing the shit out of you.) while I had the light when the Batmobile wanna-be whipped around trying to make a left turn.  I stood there and gave the driver my fiercest I am a pedestrian you must yield to me (!) look.  And then, AND THEN, this douchebag lurches forward and stops short as if to threaten me!  So I did what any conscious person would do; I banged on the driver's side window and gave him the finger while shouting all sorts of flowery explicatives. 

I mean really?  Hit me.  Do it, I dare you.  I will feign so many injuries you'll have to take out a second mortgage to pay me off.  Back pain, neck pain, emotional distress.  Also, my fetus.  I could've been pregnant.  I'm not, (::knocks feverishly on wood::) but I could've been!

In totally unrelated news, earlier today I was being nosy and browsing other people's monitors at work when I saw one of my co-workers looking at the NAACP website.  ...Cool but, he was white.  o_O  Is it racist that I'm giving him the side eye for that?  I mean, what could he possibly be looking for?  Verifying how much he's not oppressed?  Searching for scholarships he can't apply to?  I am just very curious.  I like to know where everyone's head is... at.  I hate ending sentences with a preposition.  But I'll lose my street cred if I don't.  Feel me?

In closing, I bought new shoes a few weeks ago.  #Kapow.  How badass am I, though?  Feel free to discuss in the comments.

Love you moreee,



** There should be a new punctuation mark created for when you want to put this "?!" but want to not look like a dramatic 14 year old.  But sometimes I really am shouting a question!  Or asking something angrily!  You know?!

**Did you know there's a difference between prison and jail?  'Cause there is.  ...You'll wanna steer clear of prison.

**I once convinced my sister you could sell children on Ebay.  She hasn't been the same since.

**Meet my new bffae.  HIIIIIII SARA.  

**I will write a real post one of these days.

**Thanks for sticking with me.

Love && rockets,

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